That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
