My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
