I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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