tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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