TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
