piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
