so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
