history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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