I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
