He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize