I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
