we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
