Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We have started to decorate penises.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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