im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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