you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
