community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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