Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
