Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
