Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
