I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
