I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
