His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
