i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
