I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
