So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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