my phone needs a breathalizer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
