i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
