I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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