Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
