he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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