I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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