I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
should my penis look like a turkey
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
