I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize