I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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