Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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