Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
