my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
