ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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