we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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