So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
