No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You ruined the universe
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
