when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
