You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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