when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
