Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize