This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I want a musical about memes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
