Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
