Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
