I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
