you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
