Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
