If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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