batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
