Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
