Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
