ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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