I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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